Los Angeles

The City of Angels needs a pro football team. Now. Or else. Not for me, of course, but, as always, for the sake of the Western world. And Eastern, for that matter.

I don't care to pinpoint the reason no franchise has moved or expanded to Los Angeles since the Rams and Raiders left. Could it be that NFL owners, in order to scare up cash for a new stadium, need an empty major city to threaten their fans with moving to? It could be. Could it be that of all the Hollywood hustlers and dealmakers, there's not one who can put together an acceptable ownership group and stadium? Yes. Could it be bad luck that's about to change? Nope.

Coming from the future, I can tell you L.A. never gets a team. And when I say never, I mean never. (The planet is destroyed in 2029. Basically.) And it's so sad, because as L.A. and New York lose their influence in the coming years, the nation loses its bearings. It turns out having its two major cultural centers on each coast kept America in equilibrium.

But true Manifest Destiny requires America's greatest creation, pro football, be present in Los Angeles. The Lakers and the Dodgers just weren't enough to keep Angelinos from bursting out into the riots that led to the invocation of marshal law, which led to the Battle of Santa Monica, which led to...oh Dear God. Just give LA a team.