Dear Dan Snyder

You need to hire me now. Let me tell you why.

The putridity of the NFL's signature franchise continues in perpetuity. All the way to the apocalypse. "But your trip back in time has created a parallel universe," you might say. "In this reality, the Redskins might win the Super Bowl." Bullshit. Good NFL franchises build through the Draft. You have a clinical predisposition to find the quick fix. Building isn't part of your complexion. You prefer acquisitions to organic growth. You need to find someone with the right instincts to run your team. And that person is me.

Having seen the next 20 years of NFL football, I will come equipped with a superior knowledge base. I'll know what stars are hiding personal trouble. I'll know which draft picks are hiding superior athleticism. I know who the next Tom Brady is -- and he's within our grasp.

To my readers, the answer is "yes". I am a Washingtonian. Thousands of you out there have devoted your lives to "outing" me, combing my columns for hints to my identity. I'm here to tell you Dan Snyder is the only one who can pull me out of the shadows.

Create a new reality, Dan, one in which we win Super Bowls together and rebuild a dynasty.

Dear Andy Roddick

It's okay. You can stop parading your beautiful paramours. You've got nothing to prove. Be yourself.