To my Readers --
Many of you -- in no uncertain terms -- have expressed your frustration with me for claiming Cleveland was going to win it all unless the Lakers gave Shannon Brown more playing time. Let me assure you: it wasn't a claim.
In addition to being considered exceedingly handsome in the future (where people are much, much better-looking), I also have an airtight memory. There is no way the Cavs didn't win the 2009 title. I'm sure of it. Which brings us to an interesting question: who changed the future?
I considered whether there are others out there like me, whether I am now in a different universe -- similar but parallel. For my own reasons, I have not sought out family members, and so I don't know if everything's the same as I remember it. I certainly haven't sought out myself. But what I have done is read the news, check the scores, and follow the stock market, and what I find is consistent with what I remember. So, after all this, I came to the only logical conclusion: I had changed the future.
If you saw Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals, you know Shannon Brown got crucial minutes and took his team from a seven-point deficit to an 11-point lead before leaving to a standing ovation. You also know his dunk over the Birdman was one of the great moments in Laker history. I can't say I'm amazed my blog has caught on so quickly that NBA head coaches are already taking strategy tips from it, but I am surprised. Whichever way you cut it, I changed the future.
Now, when one thing changes in the present, everything in the future is altered. I can't be sure why Shannon Brown getting playing time would suddenly prevent the Cavs from overcoming the Magic, but I can guess. LeBron obviously watched Game 5. He saw Shannon's dunk. Shannon's a former Cavalier. The Cavs wings had been struggling mightily in the playoffs. Especially on defense. And if you saw Shannon's defense against Chauncey Billups in the late-3rd, early-4th quarter, then you know Brown has the potential to be an All-NBA defender. And you know LeBron saw it, too. And it made him angry. And that anger had the slightest effect on his emotional outlook in Game 6. And that's why he had his worst game of the playoffs.
I resolve from here on out to be much more careful about what I reveal. I now see the power of the Law of Unintended Consequences, and it scares me.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Derek Fisher
Dear Phil Jackson,
As Zen Master, you have led your teams to nine titles. SPOILER ALERT: you will not be winning your tenth unless you change your strategy.
I'm not a Lakers fan. And though basketball is a lovely artifact, cherished by many in the era I come from, corruption and greed ended your National Basketball Association in 2022 -- but not before the outcome of the 2009 NBA Finals triggered a series of events that led to the collapse of a major American city and the creation of an anarchical movement hellbent on spreading horror and cannibalism throughout the mid-western region of the United States.
Let me explain. The Cavaliers win the title this year. LeBron James (who, as you will find out in the coming years, was "chosen" in a way no one ever imagined) leads the city of Cleveland to its first pro sports title in 45 years. The energy of the celebration sparks a recovery of the city's economy in the coming months. In a little over a year from now, when Cleveland will repeat, the city is on the verge of returning to its former heights.
Now, I don't want to go too deeply into what happens next for the simple reason that I value my safety here in 2009. My sports bets and stock picks afford me a comfortable lifestyle. And I feel a book deal is a foregone conclusion. So let me just point you in the right direction: Chinese businessmen part owners Cavaliers spook LeBron to New York Cleveland riots takes over Detroit creates Midwestern enclave leader Sean Hannity possesses warhead...
In the press conference announcing his signing with the Knicks, LeBron expresses incredible guilt for ditching Cleveland but says, "Because I broke the drought and gave the city two titles, I can leave with my head held high. Mission accomplished. And I hope one day the great citizens of Cleveland will forgive me."
So here's how we change the future: Shannon Brown right now is just a reserve guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. He becomes much more than that in the coming years: an All-Star, a champion, a Laker legend. It is he who leads the Lakers to an epic triumph over LeBron's Knicks in seven in the 2014 finals. Basketball historians look back on the 2009 Finals as an indictment of Phil Jackson's coaching record: his final season ended by his stubborn reliance on the aged veteran guard Derek Fisher, whose inability to make jump shots, guard opposing players, or even dribble the ball without slipping brings the Lakers down in seven games in the Finals.
So Phil, hear me now, and listen to me later: Play Shannon Brown. And not because your substitution patters cause riots in LA in a month's time; they're quickly snuffed out, and only 77 people die.
Do it because the mid-western U.S. splits off in 2015. And the Chinese businessmen who take ownership of the Cavaliers are long-term thinkers, and a seceded territory in the heart of the U.S. is part of their plot.
If Derek Fisher is allowed to play significant minutes the rest of these playoffs, the apocalypse is certain. But if LeBron James is prevented from winning a title this year and next, he may yet stay in Cleveland, which would give us a chance to salvage that city.
The future is in your hands, Phil. Knowing all this, what will you choose?
As Zen Master, you have led your teams to nine titles. SPOILER ALERT: you will not be winning your tenth unless you change your strategy.
I'm not a Lakers fan. And though basketball is a lovely artifact, cherished by many in the era I come from, corruption and greed ended your National Basketball Association in 2022 -- but not before the outcome of the 2009 NBA Finals triggered a series of events that led to the collapse of a major American city and the creation of an anarchical movement hellbent on spreading horror and cannibalism throughout the mid-western region of the United States.
Let me explain. The Cavaliers win the title this year. LeBron James (who, as you will find out in the coming years, was "chosen" in a way no one ever imagined) leads the city of Cleveland to its first pro sports title in 45 years. The energy of the celebration sparks a recovery of the city's economy in the coming months. In a little over a year from now, when Cleveland will repeat, the city is on the verge of returning to its former heights.
Now, I don't want to go too deeply into what happens next for the simple reason that I value my safety here in 2009. My sports bets and stock picks afford me a comfortable lifestyle. And I feel a book deal is a foregone conclusion. So let me just point you in the right direction: Chinese businessmen part owners Cavaliers spook LeBron to New York Cleveland riots takes over Detroit creates Midwestern enclave leader Sean Hannity possesses warhead...
In the press conference announcing his signing with the Knicks, LeBron expresses incredible guilt for ditching Cleveland but says, "Because I broke the drought and gave the city two titles, I can leave with my head held high. Mission accomplished. And I hope one day the great citizens of Cleveland will forgive me."
So here's how we change the future: Shannon Brown right now is just a reserve guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. He becomes much more than that in the coming years: an All-Star, a champion, a Laker legend. It is he who leads the Lakers to an epic triumph over LeBron's Knicks in seven in the 2014 finals. Basketball historians look back on the 2009 Finals as an indictment of Phil Jackson's coaching record: his final season ended by his stubborn reliance on the aged veteran guard Derek Fisher, whose inability to make jump shots, guard opposing players, or even dribble the ball without slipping brings the Lakers down in seven games in the Finals.
So Phil, hear me now, and listen to me later: Play Shannon Brown. And not because your substitution patters cause riots in LA in a month's time; they're quickly snuffed out, and only 77 people die.
Do it because the mid-western U.S. splits off in 2015. And the Chinese businessmen who take ownership of the Cavaliers are long-term thinkers, and a seceded territory in the heart of the U.S. is part of their plot.
If Derek Fisher is allowed to play significant minutes the rest of these playoffs, the apocalypse is certain. But if LeBron James is prevented from winning a title this year and next, he may yet stay in Cleveland, which would give us a chance to salvage that city.
The future is in your hands, Phil. Knowing all this, what will you choose?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Rock Music
Dear Classic Rock Music Fans,
For those of you who listen to classic rock music, I write this with not one iota of derision or disrespect but with a message: stop living the way you're living. I only ask for alterations in your lifestyles and behaviors because the fate of the human race depends on it, not out of any personal opinion of my own.
A funny thing happened on the way to the future, 2009 Americans. Despite the emergence of Google and the iPhone, DVRs and Napster, a select group of you who experienced your 20s and 30s in this day and age decided to stop listening to rock music after Nirvana fizzled out and Pearl Jam became irrelevant. Despite an objective surge in creativity and content from the likes of Jack White and TV on the Radio, you retreated to the Stones and the Beetles and fell into what psychiatrists from my era will call "early-onset Grandpa-ism", a mental disease that spreads like a virus and festers like a sore. As you know, in 2008, the Los Angeles rock station Indy 103, a petri dish for creativity and a haven for men and women of taste, collapsed. By 2017, the Coachella music festival will be no more. Unless we change the future, our most talented musicians will be left without the perfect outlet for adolescent rage, rebellion, and redemption.
Now no one wants to call you people "lame" or blame you all for the downfall of American creativity. Nobody wants to say, "Grow up. Look at the world around you. There's amazing music being produced. Go to a concert. Stop sitting in your room, sulking, and living in the past." Not a single person from my era wants to do this. What we want to do is blame you for the collapse of human society. Because it is your fault.
Let me explain more clearly so you can understand more acutely the pain you have caused. In the year 2014, genetic engineering becomes possible much sooner than we think it will now (in your era). A group of jacked-up uber-humans with brains like mush emerges. They take over our schools in ways the bullies of your era never imagined, destroying the smaller children's psyches and breaking their bones.
Out of this rubble, a genius emerges. He's Bob Dylan wrapped in Neil Young, with a little Mick Jagger sprinkled on top. (I can't tell you his name in the hopes that he'll be saved.) He's five years old today, and he's already mastered every Led Zeppelin song on his little guitar. The kid becomes a star at age 16 with his breakout hit "Before the Jihad". By 2022, he's ready to tour nationwide. His manager sets up the opening show at Yankee Stadium. He's touted as the one who'll save rock music. And maybe if rock music had been saved, we could have maintained hope after our government crumbled. We might have been able to maintain a national unity - an identity in the face of what came next...
But the manager was a dreamer, not a planner. The Steinbrenners were out of the loop. No one was marketing the kid; they thought, in the age of instantaneous information, the kid would market himself.
True rock fans didn't make it to New York that day; they thought the ticket prices would be out of control. They didn't know that anyone with any taste had left New York in the trailing months, the Big Apple now a wasteland of designer suits and rotten toro.
And the kid was devastated. He never recovered from the nearly-empty stadium he played to that day. They told him that the opening act wanted to bag the show altogether, but the kid said, The show must go on; if I play, they will come.
He was wrong that day. But he doesn't have to be.
For those of you who listen to classic rock music, I write this with not one iota of derision or disrespect but with a message: stop living the way you're living. I only ask for alterations in your lifestyles and behaviors because the fate of the human race depends on it, not out of any personal opinion of my own.
A funny thing happened on the way to the future, 2009 Americans. Despite the emergence of Google and the iPhone, DVRs and Napster, a select group of you who experienced your 20s and 30s in this day and age decided to stop listening to rock music after Nirvana fizzled out and Pearl Jam became irrelevant. Despite an objective surge in creativity and content from the likes of Jack White and TV on the Radio, you retreated to the Stones and the Beetles and fell into what psychiatrists from my era will call "early-onset Grandpa-ism", a mental disease that spreads like a virus and festers like a sore. As you know, in 2008, the Los Angeles rock station Indy 103, a petri dish for creativity and a haven for men and women of taste, collapsed. By 2017, the Coachella music festival will be no more. Unless we change the future, our most talented musicians will be left without the perfect outlet for adolescent rage, rebellion, and redemption.
Now no one wants to call you people "lame" or blame you all for the downfall of American creativity. Nobody wants to say, "Grow up. Look at the world around you. There's amazing music being produced. Go to a concert. Stop sitting in your room, sulking, and living in the past." Not a single person from my era wants to do this. What we want to do is blame you for the collapse of human society. Because it is your fault.
Let me explain more clearly so you can understand more acutely the pain you have caused. In the year 2014, genetic engineering becomes possible much sooner than we think it will now (in your era). A group of jacked-up uber-humans with brains like mush emerges. They take over our schools in ways the bullies of your era never imagined, destroying the smaller children's psyches and breaking their bones.
Out of this rubble, a genius emerges. He's Bob Dylan wrapped in Neil Young, with a little Mick Jagger sprinkled on top. (I can't tell you his name in the hopes that he'll be saved.) He's five years old today, and he's already mastered every Led Zeppelin song on his little guitar. The kid becomes a star at age 16 with his breakout hit "Before the Jihad". By 2022, he's ready to tour nationwide. His manager sets up the opening show at Yankee Stadium. He's touted as the one who'll save rock music. And maybe if rock music had been saved, we could have maintained hope after our government crumbled. We might have been able to maintain a national unity - an identity in the face of what came next...
But the manager was a dreamer, not a planner. The Steinbrenners were out of the loop. No one was marketing the kid; they thought, in the age of instantaneous information, the kid would market himself.
True rock fans didn't make it to New York that day; they thought the ticket prices would be out of control. They didn't know that anyone with any taste had left New York in the trailing months, the Big Apple now a wasteland of designer suits and rotten toro.
And the kid was devastated. He never recovered from the nearly-empty stadium he played to that day. They told him that the opening act wanted to bag the show altogether, but the kid said, The show must go on; if I play, they will come.
He was wrong that day. But he doesn't have to be.
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