Derek Fisher

Dear Phil Jackson,

As Zen Master, you have led your teams to nine titles. SPOILER ALERT: you will not be winning your tenth unless you change your strategy.

I'm not a Lakers fan. And though basketball is a lovely artifact, cherished by many in the era I come from, corruption and greed ended your National Basketball Association in 2022 -- but not before the outcome of the 2009 NBA Finals triggered a series of events that led to the collapse of a major American city and the creation of an anarchical movement hellbent on spreading horror and cannibalism throughout the mid-western region of the United States.

Let me explain. The Cavaliers win the title this year. LeBron James (who, as you will find out in the coming years, was "chosen" in a way no one ever imagined) leads the city of Cleveland to its first pro sports title in 45 years. The energy of the celebration sparks a recovery of the city's economy in the coming months. In a little over a year from now, when Cleveland will repeat, the city is on the verge of returning to its former heights.

Now, I don't want to go too deeply into what happens next for the simple reason that I value my safety here in 2009. My sports bets and stock picks afford me a comfortable lifestyle. And I feel a book deal is a foregone conclusion. So let me just point you in the right direction: Chinese businessmen part owners Cavaliers spook LeBron to New York Cleveland riots takes over Detroit creates Midwestern enclave leader Sean Hannity possesses warhead...

In the press conference announcing his signing with the Knicks, LeBron expresses incredible guilt for ditching Cleveland but says, "Because I broke the drought and gave the city two titles, I can leave with my head held high. Mission accomplished. And I hope one day the great citizens of Cleveland will forgive me."

So here's how we change the future: Shannon Brown right now is just a reserve guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. He becomes much more than that in the coming years: an All-Star, a champion, a Laker legend. It is he who leads the Lakers to an epic triumph over LeBron's Knicks in seven in the 2014 finals. Basketball historians look back on the 2009 Finals as an indictment of Phil Jackson's coaching record: his final season ended by his stubborn reliance on the aged veteran guard Derek Fisher, whose inability to make jump shots, guard opposing players, or even dribble the ball without slipping brings the Lakers down in seven games in the Finals.

So Phil, hear me now, and listen to me later: Play Shannon Brown. And not because your substitution patters cause riots in LA in a month's time; they're quickly snuffed out, and only 77 people die.

Do it because the mid-western U.S. splits off in 2015. And the Chinese businessmen who take ownership of the Cavaliers are long-term thinkers, and a seceded territory in the heart of the U.S. is part of their plot.

If Derek Fisher is allowed to play significant minutes the rest of these playoffs, the apocalypse is certain. But if LeBron James is prevented from winning a title this year and next, he may yet stay in Cleveland, which would give us a chance to salvage that city.

The future is in your hands, Phil. Knowing all this, what will you choose?